I know I was going to write about our trip to New York City, but yesterday I was happily reading through my voters' blue book and filling out my cheat sheet for voting (we have lots of candidates and propositions this midterm) when I got to the last item. Initiated Ordinance 300. That was it. No text, no explanation, no summary, no pros and cons, nothing. I had to find my sample ballot to find the text.
Shall the voters for the City and County of Denver adopt an Initiated Ordinance to require the creation of an extraterrestrial affairs commission to help ensure the health, safety, and cultural awareness of Denver residents and visitors in relation to potential encounters or interactions with extraterrestrial intelligent beings or their vehicles, and fund such commission from grants, gifts and donations?
I realize that your first question on reading this is, "What's an Initiated Ordinance?" Lucky for you I looked this up. Apparently it is simply an ordinance that has been placed on the ballot by voters in the City and County of Denver.
And yes, this is really on the ballot.
The ordinance was written and the signatures collected by Jeff Peckman, a writer for the internet publication, Examiner.com. He, apparently, believes in UFOs and believes that we need to pester the government for full disclosure on the subject. A few years ago he managed to get an initiative on the ballot that would "require the city to help ensure public safety by increasing peacefulness." A lovely idea, but it failed at the polls.
On looking this up on the internet, because shockingly, with all the political ads and discussion on tv, radio and in the papers of everything ballot oriented, I somehow missed this ordinance, I found a few articles. Most, if not all, seem to be highly dismissive of the initiative and some appear to be a bit angry. They complain about the waste of taxpayers' money. They mock the idea of UFOs and basically write Mr. Peckman off as a crackpot. They seem to think Denver may not be taking things seriously enough. None of them seem to have read the ordinance very closely.
The commission, made up of seven members, would not use taxpayer money. It would be funded by grants and donations. If you don't approve of it, you don't have to contribute to it.
It also has a very Denver slant. Not only would health and safety be ensured, but so would cultural awareness. We are a very culturally aware city. When Denver International Airport was built a portion of its construction costs were earmarked for art. (And a good thing, because now we have a ginormous blue rearing mustang with scary red eyes guarding the road into and out of the airport complex.) We also have a large blue bear staring into the window of the Convention Center. And in front of the Denver Performing Arts Complex we have several very tall, very elongated dancers. Many people think they resemble aliens of the extraterrestrial sort. So you see, we have a history of art and aliens.
The cultural clause also protects our distinctive Denver culture in case of any overbearing extraterrestrial influx of alien culture. (I'm thinking the equivalent situation would be us and Canada. They do have certain laws regarding movie and tv production to ensure a distinctly Canadian viewpoint. A reaction to the rather overbearingness of our own culture.) I for one would not like to see the tradition of displaying the winning steer of the National Western Stock Show in the lobby of the historic Brown Palace come to an end. Nor the annual stampede through downtown. If the aliens turn out to be vegetarians, this could become an issue. Also, if they are pacifists expect some protests outside of Invesco Field during Broncos games and the Pepsi Center during Avalanche games.
A particularly farsighted portion of the initiative has been completely overlooked. It makes me wonder if those who commented on this live anywhere near a city or have even visited one. "...interactions with extraterrestrial intelligent beings or their vehicles" (emphasis mine) is the pertinent phrase in all this. For those of you who remember when John Hickenlooper was first elected mayor, this was one of his campaign issues. Not alien vehicles, but parking in the city, which is better, but still not great. Any added vehicles could only make things worse. We can hardly assume that our cars and trucks would work for whatever body type these extraterrestrials might have. What if the ETs have car equivalents wider than a hummer? Or longer than a pickup? Would all our parking and roads have to accommodate these larger dimensions? What if they are so tiny our SUVs (highly popular around here) just run right over them without seeing them? Or all our traffic signs need to be lowered so they can see them in their short vehicles? These are not small issues. Car logistics in a city are complicated enough without introducing a radical new style of vehicle and driver. With the arrival of extraterrestrials this will require a great deal of thought and care. Best to start now.
So you see, even with all these great ideas embodied in Initiated Ordinance 300 I'm still undecided if I should vote for this or not. My teenage boys think I should, they love this ordinance, but I am a citizen and I take my voting seriously. Really, what are the chances of extraterrestrials arriving here anytime soon? And even then, they'll probably head to New York City, or Shanghai, or London (hopefully not Pyongyang.) We'll have plenty of time to legislate something then. We have enough regulations and commissions now and while it probably won't pass, what if it does? If this were a constitutional amendment (of which we have many) this would be easy, we have enough amendments that should not be amendments, so no. But it's just an ordinance...so it's tempting.
To get an initiative on the ballot it takes at least 3,973 valid signatures from registered Denver voters. The initiative's website claims it collected over 10,000. This means that at least 10,000 people in Denver, valid and registered, feel that we need to have a commission on extraterrestrial affairs. Or at least feel we need to vote on it. Or that with all the rancor in the election right now we need something to smile about. It is the last item on the ballot, the last thing you see after voting on a close senate race, a three way run for governor, some confusing and angry propositions and other assorted contests. You see it and the sheer unexpectedness of it, the silliness of it, the optimism of it reminds you that we live in a wondrous world and a country of limitless possibilities and that with a little foresight and planning we really can live together well and harmoniously. And maybe even find a parking space. And that, at least, is something to vote yes on.
