The world scuba diving opens up to us is wondrous and precious. Unfortunately, it is also terribly, terribly wrong. We are not adapted to the underwater environment. It does not want us there. The oceans are populated with horrible animals ready to sting, bite and drown us. (Yes, drown. And it is those cute, anthropomorphized dolphins I'm talking about here. We've all heard the stories about the drowning person a dolphin holds up and pushes to shore. Well apparently they don't necessarily know we belong on land. There are stories of them pushing people out to sea.)
On the physiological level scuba diving opens us up to all new levels of horror. The deeper you go the more gas dissolves in your bloodstream due to the pressure of the water. As you come up you must go very slowly to allow time for this gas to be released safely through your lungs. If you don't, the gas can be released pretty much anywhere in your body and cause godawful problems. Cerebral embolisms for instance. Also, decompression sickness, that would be the bends to the rest of us. The graphic example given to explain the bends is to think of what happens when you shake a soda and then unscrew the lid. That is what happens in your body. And if that weren't bad enough, if you forget to exhale while ascending, the air in your lungs will expand due to the decreasing pressure and cause a lung expansion injury (counter-intuitively, this can collapse your lung.)
Oh, and don't think that descending does not have its share of problems. The most obvious would be not clearing your ears properly and rupturing your ear drum. You can also mess up your sinuses. The weirdest thing, though, is nitrogen narcosis. This sometimes develops as you dive and manifests as lightheadedness, poor judgement, decreased coordination, hallucinations and ultimately death. The cure is easy, simply stop and head back towards the surface (slowly!!!). This assumes, of course, that you have any sense of what is going on and can correctly locate which way up is.
As I said, we are not supposed to be spending large periods of time underwater. My husband, though, begs to differ. A couple of weeks ago we took a scuba diving course. I thought, since I am a good swimmer and like the water, that it would be a piece of cake, that I would enjoy it, that I would have a wonderful, new, expensive hobby. It did not go well.
I read the book and did the homework. The classroom part went swimmingly (hee, hee!) Then we trooped into the pool area. We changed into swimsuits and struggled into wetsuits (which I love, because it keeps you warm). Then we learned how to put on the buoyancy vests and weight belts (are you seeing the contradiction there?) We assembled the tanks and regulators and smeared de-fogging goop in our masks. Then we got into the pool. This is a ten foot deep pool with a ledge on one side that is only about four and a half feet deep. We stood on that and practiced putting our faces in the water and breathing through the regulator. Easy! Cool! Look at me, I'm breathing underwater!
Then we all had to sit on the ledge. This puts a good foot or two of water over our heads. I can't tell you what changed. The only way to describe it is an overwhelming sense of wrongness. And despite what you might think, I was breathing just fine before the anxiety hit. Fear of not being able to breathe was not the issue. I know I can breathe under there, I just wanted to escape. And when you are anxious, of course, your breathing goes right to hell. I would manage to get my breathing under control and then have to wrestle with the wrongness issue again. Luckily, it resolved itself when I couldn't stand it any longer and stood up.
The instructors were very kind (which makes it worse in a way, because you're feeling shaky and scared and more than a bit idiotic and the niceness just confirms all three emotions.) One of them helped me get used to being under water gradually and that helped. Anyway, I made it through the weekend without any more anxiety attacks. I had no problems with any of the exercises requiring the removal and retrieval of my regulator or my mask. I did, however, feel my heart start to race when we did the just-so-you-know-what-it-feels-like-to-run-out-of-air-we-are-shutting-off-your-tank-under-water exercise. (I know, one fun thing after another.)
After the weekend, which I survived, I then had to apologize to my husband for not taking his fear of spiders seriously. Really, I thought he was just being over sensitive about their eight legs. He told me once they move wrong. I never really understood that. OK, I still don't understand that, but I will refrain from teasing him about it and will remove spiders for him when he asks.
My scuba saga is not over yet. We are required, in order to be certified, to have four open water dives with an instructor. Open water. Open water. Deep open water. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I do not look forward to it. A ten foot deep indoor pool with a ledge is not a vast ocean with currents and hostile animals. Alas, it is not even a small lake or reservoir. You can easily swim from one end to the other in one breath. (Not that I would, because, you know, over-expanded lungs...) I have, however, conquered it and I will attempt the open water swims. I just hope my husband appreciates it the next time I scoop up a spider for him and release it outside.
