Golf

This Labor Day weekend Laurence and I and the boys went golfing. First let me say right now, I do not like golf. I don't understand a sport that needs a dress code. Nor do I think it is fair that if you take a swing and miss, it counts as a stroke. Especially for me. It's not like my score is a threat to anyone. And what about all the practice swings everyone else takes? Why don't those count?

Anyway, we went golfing. Our tee time was for a little after four in the afternoon. No one was scheduled to follow us. Laurence showed great far-sightedness in this. We took almost two hours to do five holes. Seriously. I shudder to think what would have happened with any real golfers behind us. We had to quit when it became too dark to see.

We did have fun, though. We played by the family rules, as opposed to the official rules. Our rules are way better. You can swing at the ball as many times as you want. If you hit a bad shot off the tee you can have a mulligan. Or two. If you get completely frustrated you can simply throw the ball as far as you can. If your shots are so bad you are sinking into the sandtrap of despair you can pick the ball up and start over at the next tee. Or you can just plop it on the green and putt. We putt in reverse order, closest to the hole goes first. It is much more efficient. And no one ever has to pick up their ball. (Thus eliminating untold opportunities to hurl accusations of cheating.) You never have to write a number on the score card higher than ten. You don't even have to write down your score. We try to keep it relaxed.

Laurence did well. He will never admit it, though. I think golfers are not allowed to acknowledge a good game because if they do the golf gods will curse them and their swing will immediately implode. I, on the other hand, regularly denigrate the golf world and so have no fear of the golf gods. If I have a good game, I will shout it from the rooftops.

That said, I had an awesome four and a half holes! (I omit the second half of the fifth hole because I could not see a thing.) All five holes were under ten strokes. Three holes took only six strokes. (No, the half hole was not one of them.) So you know how significant this is, in nine holes I am extremely lucky if two come in under ten. And I do mean lucky. I have no skills that apply to golf. Except walking. I am very good at walking. Unfortunately, walking does not make the ball go straight or very far. In fact, the rules seem to frown on walking while hitting the ball. You can see how this might limit me. Nevertheless, I did extremely well. Whether I will do well again, remains to be seen.

Stephen and Harrison had a good time because we let them drive the carts. Stephen took it seriously and drove quite well. Harrison had to be banned for a hole or two and then I only let him drive at about three miles per hour. Within two years they will both be driving. My hair has already begun to turn white.

Weather permitting I am sure Laurence will be dragging me out onto the course again. I'll let you know how it goes.